2004-04-26 @ 21:59 p.m.

permanent mood:

I guess they like this site more and my little sweet poison site. I like it too, its background color and its smell of despair. I know what people like, blue people like despairing things I used to write about. But now, I'm not in any mood of being gloomy or lost. I'm just a little lost now bereft of little common people activities, eat, go to school or work, come back home, sleep. I don't do all this things, or do it in a deviant way. I don't know the outcome yet, or I am just experiencing it. I like experiments. I like new things coming out. I'm testing how people deviate from the normal course and what do they get at last. I'm testing myself actually. What will I get if I constantly don't attend class and do nothing expected by others. What if being all alone? Separated from the usual environment, dreaming yet can't remember it when getting up, nervous in the sleep...what did I dream of after all. I really want to know. I guess what you like is the style, you know nothing about the content. If I pick up the habit again. Writing randomly. Will I ever have more conscious moments? I don't think it heals, or I have nothing to be cured. I hear and forget, purposely. I see and imprint, unconsciously. I filter the unwanted and leave the hopefulness at the very bottom, buried and decay itself, without guidance or interruption. Hope dies out itself. Hope blooms by the weird sparks, at night, in the coma, not asleep indeed, but a coma sending me away from insomnia, just for a few seconds. I experienced real insomnia last week. People become hopeless when they fail to fall asleep. The losing of a basic ability brings them back to the chaos they have been messing their life with. Is it fun just not to obey any rules, physically or spiritually? Does there really exist some sound beliefs? I don't think so. People just fall into a gloss that deceives them. They work for their needs, not wants. When they realize what they want, it's late they no longer need what they want. They live for satisfying their basic and unnecessary needs. Women fit into the position the society has built for them. They are only dolls, the sillier the better. They count on men to give them a life. They lose their life by expecting this. This perpetual paradox.

Why don' t we just walk side by side, one after one, to see the clouds, the falling stars. We are neither so close, nor so apart. You live in the time I'm living too. I create a space uniquely paralleled by yours, and sometimes we encounter and reflect the same memories. We are lucky being with each other.

Is this just the
dark room illusion...

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PS.
I like those sk8er bois and gals I saw the other day. I wanna try it whenever I get the chance.
It's so cool~